Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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