Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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