you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
