Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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