i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
