Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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