We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
