dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
