he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Randomize
