so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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