eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
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