I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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