Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
