I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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