im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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