3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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