Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
