I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Randomize
