You made me cry and you don't even care
Please, let me fuck your mom
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
