I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I just found puke in my bra..
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
