Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
