A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
