Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
