I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
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