Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
