Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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