Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Randomize
