East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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