Rock
Scissors
Fuck
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
