I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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