No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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