I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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