Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
