i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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