nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
