It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
