I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
