This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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