one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
