I'm sorry my penis didn't work
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
