Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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