Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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