That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
