My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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