I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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