I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
