Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
