I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Randomize
