i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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