I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
