M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
